Cheering for your Children

This transcript has been adapted from the attached audio. It may not be in its final form and may be updated.

The For Faith & Family Insight series is a production of ILiveValues.com.

HAROLD HARPER: Joe, thank you so much for taking the time to be with us today.

JOE WHITE: Well, Harold, thank you. It is great to be with you. I’m looking forward to our time together.

HARPER: Well, I want to talk to you today about your book, Wired by God. Tell us a little bit about this project.

WHITE: Well, Harold, if there are any mommies and daddies listening, and I hope you are, it was such a great adventure, and, yes, I experienced a lot of failure as a dad, and my kids would be the first to tell you that they do not have anywhere close to a perfect dad, but I loved the adventure. I had four teenagers at one time and I’m living proof that you can live through that. But, by the way, being a grandparent is really kind of God’s reward for not killing your children, so, I’m a granddad now.

HARPER: Now, is that in the book?

WHITE: No, not exactly, no, I’m kidding, but the most fun thing that I got to do as a daddy over the years was to get to help my kids identify and pursue their dreams. And I found out, as the count of the years went by, as I get to work with other parents with Dr. Dobson and Focus and with other organizations, Promise Keepers, I get to help parents really discover the joy, really the joy, maybe the greatest joy of being a parent, and that is to help your kids discover and fulfill their dreams, and so, Wired by God is a Focus on the Family book that Larry Weeden, a brilliant editor and writer, and I wrote. He is the brilliant one, not me. But it is to help parents understand their kids’ dreams and to learn how to get on board with their kids’ dreams and to see their kids’ dreams fulfilled.

HARPER: As I was looking through the book and, I know you have four children, and is it two grandchildren?

WHITE: Two with three in the oven.

HARPER: Okay, so your writing not only comes from years of experience of working with all of the teens but also as a parent trying to guide your own children. So, you talk about the dreams but what would you say is the most important need in a young person’s life? I mean you talk a little bit about self esteem, you talk about pursuing the dreams, what would you say is the most important?

WHITE: Well, you know what, for dads, the number one need of a little girl is her dad’s validation. And I’m discovering that; I’ve been discovering that for twenty or thirty years, but a little girl just needs her daddy to say, “I’m proud of you.” And a young boy needs a dad to affirm him. And, of course, those are first cousins, but that is their number one need. Like one time I was being critical of my son, inappropriately. And my wife said, “Honey, Brady sees himself in your eyes,” and what he was seeing was a daddy that was critical, and boy, all of a sudden I wanted to put on contact lenses that were colored. Colored in terms of being big plus signs where he would look into my eyes, he would see his biggest fan, his biggest cheerleader, and the contact lenses when my wife kind of pointed that out to me, boy, I changed lenses, Harold, real fast. So they need to see eyes that have plus signs, you know, I may have an issue with you and we may need discipline or whatever, but man, am I ragingly proud of the young man or the young woman that you are and you are becoming.

HARPER: Now, what would you say to parents about how to go about building that kind of healthy support and healthy self-image or esteem in a kid, in your children?

WHITE: Well, it is a super question, Harold. It is really a super question. You know, there’s been a lot of controversy about self-esteem and Christ-esteem and ego, yada, yada, but I’ll just tell you kind of the country boy version. I was in a small city talking to a bunch of high school kids and, man, they were in trouble. We were talking about purity issues and after I would speak, I would go talk to these kids and they were struggling with every kind of illicit sex stuff and their minds were just in the gutter. Then I met this one young lady who happened to have gone to our camp a few times and she was on track and she was as solid as they come and moral issues were not struggles for her. She knew who she was supposed to be in Christ and I sat down with her and another friend for dinner and I said, “How are you so solid, I mean, look at your friends around you, and they are into everything,” and she looked me squarely in the eyes, and she said, “Joe, my parents fill my cup of self-esteem so full that all of my friends can’t poke enough holes in it to let the water out.”

HARPER: Wow, what a powerful statement.

WHITE: It really is. I think if you are a dad, and I would ask your son or daughter to fill in the blanks, my daddy is my biggest blank, or if you are a mom, ask your son or daughter to fill in the blank, my mom is my biggest blank. What would they say?

HARPER: Ouch.

WHITE: Would they say my dad is my biggest critic? My dad is biggest coach? What I would want to hear them say is my dad is my biggest cheerleader. My mom is my biggest cheerleader. Again, that doesn’t mean they are always right, and I believe in solid, consistent discipline. It’s a parent’s job to draw the lines and make the rules. But, as often as you can, you catch your child in the act of doing something right and tell him about it. As often as you can, catch your child in the act of doing something good, and tell him about it. That’s how in our football camp in the summer. I still get to work with the football kids in our camp, and I love it, because those are my fifty or sixty young men, high school students, junior high students, and our goal, Harold, as a coaching staff, in a game as rigorous as football training, is to tell every kid ten times a day, something positive about what he is doing, by name. Billy, way to go, way to keep your knees up, super job, way to look at that target, Billy, way to catch that ball, and as the summer goes along, you know what, that young man begins to believe in himself.

HARPER: I was watching my son, Luke, he plays basketball, but it is amazing, we start a season, you get a coach that just starts just praising him and he plays ten times harder and ten times better, but if you get one coach that is critical, it messes his whole game up. And it is amazing how important that is and, as a dad, noticing that, how important it is. Let’s talk some about unconditional love, because, you know, we don’t hear about it a lot and even in the church, and, as parents, as you mentioned, we are probably pros at being critical. We are kind of wired to teach our children, so we are always trying to look for the teachable moment, and, as a result, we end up being critical and we have way too many teachable moments in the wrong thing. How do we do more showing our kids true unconditional love?

WHITE: Being practical about it, Harold, to take it back to your room and your children’s bedroom, and your children at the dinner table. My youngest son and I had rich experience. He was the last and so for a period of time, he was the only child. Like any other teenager and any other dad who is just a very average dad, which I am, and a guy who makes tons of mistakes, you know, we had our struggles, and we had our arguments and disagreements and he would fail and I would fail. But, Harold, every night, every single night that I was home and I wasn’t out speaking, and that’s that majority of nights, I was home, but I would tuck that young man in bed and something we started when our kids were very small, we would memorize a Bible verse together, or I would read the Bible with him and he is a big strapping linebacker, and, you know, he’s definitely a man’s man, but I don’t care if he was eighteen years old, and I would be in that bed when he would lay down on that pillow, and everything would stop, and whatever conflict we were having or whatever discipline, you know, he’s driving through town too fast and I’m taking his driver’s license, and you know, the same old parent stuff, but every night we’d read the Bible together and we’d pray together and then I’d always say as I would walk out of his room, I’d always turn around and I’d always say, “Coop, I want you to know I love you, and I’m proud to be your dad.” And you know, Harold, that may sound simple, once a day, where peace covers, as it says in James, “mercy triumphs over judgment,” and for sure that was a pillar laid. Hey, I just want you to know I’m proud of you and I love you. I’m proud to be your dad. So, you’ve got to kind of find it with every kid, whatever they are going through, whatever sport or however your style is, just to build an environment that no matter what, no matter what, you’ve got one person in your corner that you’d be absolutely positive loves you unconditionally.

HARPER: That’s great advice, and you said a key point there, whatever fits. I know I’ve got a son that plays basketball. It sounds like all of your kids were athletic, but let’s talk a little bit about the parent who doesn’t have a child who, where you can’t do it with sports, but you talk about in the book, the importance of finding whatever, just try a bunch of things until you find what your child succeeds in, and talk a little bit about that, because that’s real important.

WHITE: Well, laying by your child at night is not athletic, and reading the Bible and laying by your child and saying, how was your day? You know, was there anything in your day that was sad today? Was there anything that made you feel lonely or lost today? Where there any fears that you had today? My little two-year-old granddaughter, three-year-old granddaughter, came over to me yesterday, and she just wanted me to just hold her and she goes, “Pops, a monster was in my room. He stepped on my finger and I need a Band-aid, Pops.” But whether two or three years old, that your arms and shoulders are safe places for them to crawl into and you can just listen, and ask neat questions. We’ve got in this book, we discovered so many ways to find out what your kids are like. There is one part in this book that encouraged dreaming. You know, you ask your kids like, if you could do anything you wanted and knew you wouldn’t fail, what would you chose to do? And why? This book is a lot about asking questions and discovering your kids. If you know you only had two years to live, what would you want to do with that time? Then there are sections in this book that talk about understanding your kids’ spiritual gifts. And there are chapters in this book that talk about how to understand how your kids are bent. How has God wired your kids? Yes, whether it’s listening to the squeaky saxophone, you know, in sixth grade. I don’t know how many times I’ve just sat with Jamie while she was squeaking through those early saxophone days, and we’re just sitting there and just thinking it is the most wonderful recital you’ve ever heard in your life or sitting on the sidewalk with my grandson, Hayes, and he’s out chalking the sidewalk, and just enjoying taking that chalk and drawing for, the little guy just loves to draw, and, boy, every time he comes over we get the finger paints out, and we get the art paper and spread it all over the dining room table, and modeling clay. It doesn’t matter what God is wiring in them, it’s just taking time every day to enjoy what they enjoy doing.

This For Faith & Family Insight has been produced by the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission. Join the conversation at Insight.FaithandFamily.com.