Roles of a Mother and Daughter-in-Law

This transcript has been adapted from the attached audio. It may not be in its final form and may be updated.

HAROLD HARPER: It is great to have you back with us and in the studio today. Welcome back to For Faith and Family.

ANNIE CHAPMAN: Thank you, it is great to be here.

HARPER: You have a whole chapter in the book entitled, “Square Dancing on a Round Floor.” I love the title. Tell me about the chapter.

CHAPMAN: Well, I believe I am dealing with the generational gap of what happens when you’ve got a young woman and an older woman that are trying to learn how to get along.

HARPER: How to dance.

CHAPMAN: Yes, how to dance, and, boy, it can be so awkward. But, you know, when you really boil it down, what does every woman need? What does every daughter-in-law need? What does every mother-in-law need? They need to be appreciated and they need to be acknowledged. One daughter-in-law said that when her mother-in-law calls the house, that the mother-in-law never addresses her. She always says, “Let me talk to my son.” And she said that makes her feel absolutely invisible. She doesn’t feel acknowledged, like she is actually a part of that family. Also in the other respect, a mother-in-law, a mother wants to be acknowledged that what she did was important and what she did was contributing to the life of this family. One daughter-in-law said that she had a horrible time with her mother-in-law, that the mother-in-law was always interfering and always giving opinions and telling them where to go on vacation, and how to raise their kids, and she said it was just a miserable, miserable thing. She tried everything she could to try to kind of bridge this gap and get along with her and she said on her husband’s birthday, the daughter-in-law decided to send the mother-in-law a dozen red roses with a card that says, “Thank you so much for all of your hard work. Because of your diligence as a mother, I am married to the most incredible man, and it is because of what you have done.” She realized all of that interference and all of that nagging and interjecting was that mother-in-law trying to say, “Look at me, I’m important, I know something, I’ve done something. You’ve got this husband, he didn’t just appear, it’s not Scotty beam us up, I did this.” And she said once she acknowledged the contribution of that mother, she said the tension left and the mother was able to be at peace and she backed away, and they were able to have a relationship. So, I think to be able to acknowledge one another and to say, “I see you”—for the mother-in-law to say, “I see your position. I see that you are the most important woman in my son’s life and this is not a bad thing, this is a good thing,” and for the daughter-in-law to say to the mother-in-law, “I acknowledge what you’ve done. I acknowledge how important you are to my husband”— then the result of acknowledging and appreciating is actually affection. You know we want the affection immediately; we want to be loving to one other. Sometimes there’s a road to that affection and that road is paved with appreciation and acknowledgment.

HARPER: On that note, talk to daughters-in-law. You reference in this same chapter, I believe it is Titus 2, younger women are to show respect and honor for the older women in the church. How does that relate in the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law?

CHAPMAN: I’m glad you brought that up because I do say that wife trumps mom every time. We know the biblical mandate of a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, they shall become one. But then you go, well, what is the daughter-in-law’s responsibility? If we know the spiritual mandate of the mother-in-law, then what is the spiritual mandate of the daughter-in-law? And it is found in Titus 2 where younger women are to honor and reverence older women and that daughter-in-law is to love her in-laws with the same respect and the same energy that she loves her own parents. So, if you’ve got a mother-in-law who says, biblically, I see your stand, I see your position and it is a strong position. You are prominent, you are number one, and if you’ve got a daughter-in-law saying, I choose to honor you and love you and respect you, in the same biblical manner that I do my own parents, you have got the foundation for a really beautiful relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, because neither one has to vie for that place. I offer you respect, I offer you honor, and the mother is saying, I am relinquishing my position to you and you have prominence in his life. When you’ve got that going, you’ve got a man who’s got a really, really good situation because he’s got his mom on his side, not on his back, and he has his wife at his side, and not with her back turned to him.

HARPER: Talk to us about the biblical teaching of mercy and forgiveness as it applies in this situation.

CHAPMAN: Well, there’s a chapter in the book about, what do you do when you have an in-law that’s not a believer? How do you have fellowship with someone who doesn’t share your love for Christ? You know, fellowship means two fellows in a ship going in the same direction. How do you get along with someone who is not going in the same direction as you? What I reference in that chapter, which may be the most important chapter in the whole book, is the idea of being a witness to one another. You know, we’ve all seen the bracelets and the hats and all of the “what would Jesus do?” reminding us of living our lives as Christ would, but I think even a more poignant position would be, “what did Jesus do?” He did have mercy and He did forgive, and so I reference a lot of interaction between Jesus and different women, and the same way as a mother-in-law, if your son is married to a young lady who does not share that love of Christ, you are put in that same position of forgiving and loving and offering a witness for Christ, being a witness, not just saying it. Part of that is mercy, and that is forgiveness. As we have been forgiven, as we have been shown mercy, and we forgive, and we show mercy to others.

HARPER: As you are minding the Scripture and as you were praying over this project and God brought several verses to mind, share with our listeners what you have learned as you have looked at the Word and you have asked God to just enlighten your mind on the subject.

CHAPMAN: Well, I think just out the top of my head, Colossians 3, when it talks about putting on love; I think that would be a good Scripture for a mother-in-law who, perhaps, has an in-law that is not a natural fit. You know, our kids get to choose who they marry, and then we are brought together in this family thing and we are told, “dance, dance.” But how do you do that with someone who is not really a good fit for you? As a mother-in-law, someone that maybe is in a different social stratus or ethnic, or a different religion, I mean, our kids do all kinds of things to us and expect us to adjust to it. When I was contemplating that, I came to Colossians 3 where it says, “Put on love.” And one person says, you mean I am supposed to fake it? Yes. How about that, let’s just fake it. How about let’s act like we like each other. How about we act nice to one another. How about we put on a heart of compassion. I think that’s pretty good advice, actually, because what are the alternatives? When you set your heels in the ground and say I’m not giving in, what you are doing is you are running your kids off. And I just think the meanest thing a mother can do to her son is to put him in a position where he has to scold his mother, where he has to tell her to butt out or back off, and I choose to do that on my own. You know, over the holidays I was particularly reminded, I have a choice as a mother. I can either be pitiful or I can be flexible. You know the pitiful mom is demanding, this is my day, I want it my way, and I want all the kids there and pouting if she doesn’t get her way. Or, you can be flexible as a mother and you can say, you know what, the best gift I can give my adult children is a guilt-free holiday, a guilt-free visit. So I have chosen in all of my maturity, yeah right, I have chosen to be flexible. And so, that kind of putting on compassion and putting on love, I think, goes right in line with that of being flexible as a mother.

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