Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage- Part 3 of 4

This transcript has been adapted from the attached audio. It may not be in its final form and may be updated.

LAND: Well, in the book you discuss the importance of having a spiritual mentor to come along side the believing spouse in a mismatched marriage. Why is that so important.

LESLIE: It is important because you need a safe place to have someone help you process, because it’s usually women, and, again, if you are a woman you need to have a woman mentor. If you are a man you need to have a male mentor, but you do need someone to help you process your situation to pray with you, to have a more objective viewpoint to what you are going through, and so it is important for those reasons, as well as having someone who can maybe do some Bible study or discipling with you, just to help you continue to grow. In my case, I was a brand new believer and this was all new territory for me. So I really did need someone who had walked the path a longer time than myself so that I knew what God’s Word asked of me and what I was required to be doing in this situation.

LEE: I think it is important too that the mentor be willing to be a truth teller. You know, the Bible says, “speak the truth in love,” so you want to love the person who you are mentoring, but you also want to be truthful with them. It was important, I think, for Linda, who is Leslie’s mentor, she didn’t allow the situation to become Leslie and Linda and God vs. Lee. It could have easily degenerated into that, but she wouldn’t let it. She would listen when Leslie would cry on her shoulder but then she would say, “Look, you want to save this marriage. You want to influence Lee as positively as you can for Christ. Here are some things that we can do,” as opposed to falling into a pity party and turning me into the enemy, which would have been deadly.

LAND: Now Leslie, I noticed that you talked about, because you were a new believer, you learned how to exercise your spirituality under the radar screen. Talk to us about that because, you know, I think a lot of times when women become Christians, they think that they are going to lead their husband to the Lord by putting “Jesus Saves” stickers on their Budweiser cans, you know, and it doesn’t work, does it? So, how did you practice your spirituality under the radar screen?

LESLIE: Well, for me, because Lee was at work all day, I was able to go to Bible study and meet with Linda during the day when Lee was gone. I had really pushed for going to church and it became clear that there were times when my going to church would give us a whole week of strife and I remember saying to Linda one day, “I am so mad, I want to go to church, God wants me to go to church, I’m a Christian,” but what she helped me recognize is that God knows my heart. God understands what I am going through, He understands the situation I am in, and He doesn’t want to see a marriage crumble over attendance to a church service, and that He knows it is my heart’s desire to be in the place with other believers and worshipping Him, but because of the situation, sometimes it is best not to push for that and to honor your husband or your spouse, whichever the case may be, in this particular time. For instance, there was one weekend that they were doing a series that I just knew Lee had to hear, it was going to be the service that will save him, you know, and that week Lee said, “Let’s go to Wisconsin,” because we were in Illinois at the time, “Let’s go to Wisconsin for the weekend.” And I kind of pushed a little and, you know, he just didn’t really want to and I just went to Linda and cried about that, and she said, “you know what? It doesn’t help to have him at church Sunday if he is angry that he’s there; he is not going to hear the message,” and so I recognized that and what we ended up doing is I got a tape series from some other service that they had done one time that I thought would be timely and Lee was willing to listen to that in the cassette going up to Wisconsin. So, there were just times where you knew you had to resolve a conflict, just be open to being creative in how you are going to do that.

LAND: Now, Lee, in the book you present four basic types of unbelieving spouses. Could you share those with us?

LEE: Sure, I mean not all non-believers are the same. That is important to understand. It is important to diagnose where you spouse is, sort of along the continuum of disbelief so that you can customize your approach and you can recognize opportunities that might arise to be able to share the gospel with them. The most distant person from God, I call the “cynical spouse.” These are people who are responding with sarcasm or anger when you bring up Jesus. They can be highly opinionated. They may have had a real negative religious experience growing up and they are just cynical about the whole thing. Then there is “skeptical spouses.” They are not quite cynical, they may be slightly open to spiritual issues but they are plagued by doubts. They have real strong questions and skepticism about the claims of the Bible and about the possibility of miracles and the resurrection and so forth. Then a little more receptive are what I call the “spectator spouses.” These people are sort of in spiritual neutral. They are sort of, you picture a spectator in the bleachers at a football game watching everybody else on the field; they are kind of watching people live out their faith. They are a little more in spiritual neutral. Then there are the “seeking spouses.” These are the ones who are really beginning to be open, that God is beginning to work in their hearts and maybe draw them toward the kingdom. They are more willing to investigate whether or not there is any substance to Christianity. They may be willing to come to church. They may be willing to ask questions and get into spiritual conversation. So, what we do in our book is we try to give a prescription for every one of these kind of categories to suggest some ways in which you can reach out if your spouse is a cynical, a skeptical, a spectator, or a seeker. I started out as a cynic.

LAND: Yes, so you were the worst one.

LEE: I was. To the extent that I would belittle Leslie and make fun of her faith and make fun of Christians and try to get into arguments with Christians so I could try to point out their obvious errors, but then, through time, I sort of went down this continuum and became a seeker. It was really a result of Leslie living out her faith in an authentic way that finally encouraged me to begin to investigate whether there is any truth to Christianity. In I Peter 3:1 it says specifically that if a woman is married to a guy who is not a Christian, it says they may be won over without talk by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of their lives. This is what happened to me. As I began to see the positive aspects of Leslie’s change in her values and character and philosophy and worldview, and it began to be winsome and attractive to me, that is what prompted me to finally go to church with her and I heard the gospel explained in a way for the first time in my life that I could understand it, and that is when I became a seeker. That is when I began to say I’m going to use my legal training and journalism training and systematically investigate whether there is any credibility to Christianity. And that launched me on an era during which I became a seeker, although it is important to understand that even if a spouse is a seeker, it is not like one continuous line of development and growth for Christ. There are going to be those times, it is like a roller coaster. You know, I would go to church a couple of weeks in a row and Leslie get all excited, “Oh, he’s really asking questions, really going to church,” that wouldn’t go for a month and I wouldn’t be interested and I would make fun of you and you take a couple of steps backward, but I think people need to understand that that is normal in this sort of situation.

LAND: As you say in the book, some people might ask, well why not just give them a Bible, or give that spouse a Bible and say read this, and tell me what you think. Why is that not normally the best approach?

LEE: The ground needs to be plowed first before you plant the seed of the gospel sometimes and I think that happens by first the woman doing three things. Number one, building a relationship with God to allow the Holy Spirit to change her attitudes and values and heart in ways that will intrigue and be winsome in front of your spouse. To have this mentor and then, third, to look for those areas of common ground that you can build upon in your relationship with your spouse? And sometimes plowing that ground in that way will provide an opportunity at some point for him to be open enough to be able to look at Scripture; but, you know, that is usually preceded by a lot of prayer and a lot of biting of the tongue when you want to lash out and return the hurtful words that he sends your way when he objects to your spirituality.

LAND: You point out the fact that there are four Gospels, and those four Gospels are written for different reasons and that, depending on what kind of a person your spouse is, that one gospel or another might be the best one to give them in a good modern translation to read to help them understand the difference and the tremendous confusion we have in this country and in this civilization between religion and Christianity.

LEE: Right. And that’s so true. I, being someone with a legal background and a journalism background, I tended to be a nuts and bolts evidentiary-directed kind of person, and so, for me, the Gospel of Luke was a perfect choice because Luke was sort of a first-century investigative reporter. He checked out the facts, he checked out the evidence and presents it in a very methodical way. So, for me, when I finally did read Scripture, Leslie recommended I start in Luke, and that was very helpful to give me an overview of the life of Christ, written from a first-century investigative reporter’s kind of view point. Other people, if it is situation where your spouse has a Jewish back ground, then Matthew might be helpful because he certainly deals with a lot of the fulfillment of prophecies. If your spouse is more of an artistic person, then John with its great poetry and powerful imagery and so forth might be a better choice.